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  • Sam Deakin

So, You Think the Earth is Round?


Illustration by Dayna Patel

The Earth is not flat. It’s round. I’m sorry flat earthers but someone had to say it. It’s not even a controversial opinion. It’s literally a fact. Yet somehow the flat earth theory has arguably become the most successful conspiracy theory worldwide - maybe second after illuminati.

But, for how popular this theory has become and how ridiculous I hope we all believe it to be, have any of us ever actually looked into the flat earth theory? Probably not, and with good reason - that reason being that the Earth is round. But, just in case you’ve got bored with your life and decided atheism isn’t an edgy enough personality trait, I’ve outlined the best of the best flat Earth theories so you can decide for yourself if the Earth is flat (again, it isn’t).

Starting things off slowly, flat Earth theory basically argues that the Earth is a flat disc with the arctic circle in the centre and Antarctica - a 50 foot Game of Thronesstyle ice wall - around the rim. Ignoring, of course, all the satellite images of a round earth which are ‘photoshopped’.

So, why we can’t we go see the wall for itself? Well, good thing all the nations came together in 1961 to sign the Antarctic Treaty which is actually a cover-up for the real treaty outlining that government officials would patrol the edge of the wall to prevent anyone from discovering the truth for themselves. And what could that truth be? Perhaps being one step away from falling off the Earth and into space? Another theory argues that continents exist outside of the Antarctic wall which are home to the elite and powerful and they want to keep us peasants away (maybe the Flat Earth Society is just illuminati’s cover). No wonder anti-climate change propaganda has increased in circulation; God forbid the ice wall melts and those elite people have to share their wealth with the rest of the world.

This is all speculation of course. Let’s get back to scientific facts. Like the fact that there’s actually an impenetrable, domelike barrier encasing the Earth, sun, moon and stars which keeps the atmosphere intact. A barrier astronauts have, of course, never passed. If that wasn’t enough, gravity also doesn’t exist. We all manage to stay grounded because the Earth, rather than rotating, is actually accelerating upwards at a rate of 9.8metres per second squared. What?

The sun and moon are spheres that rotate and act as spotlights, illuminating different areas of the Earth across 24-hours which explains day and night. Okay, but if the sun and moon can be spheres, why not Earth? The Flat Earth Society even states that all other planets are spheres too. Doesn’t seem fair. This also doesn’t explain how lunar eclipses can occur. It’s obviously an invisible ‘anti-moon’ that obscures the moon during the eclipse. Of course! How could I not have figured that out myself. As for whatever lies underneath the Earth, that is still unknown as no-one has ever made it past the government officials guarding the wall. But, most flat-earthers agree it’s probably ‘rocks’.

In true flat-earther fashion, I’m not going to offer any scientific counter-arguments to debunk anything a flat-earther could say because, honestly, who wants to repeat year eight science. And anyway, is science really a convincing argument when compared with the fact that the Earth ‘looks flat and feels flat’? Either it's round or NASA is the ultimate cult. You be the judge.


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