Hi, My name’s Sophia, I’m 20-years-old and I can’t ride a bike.
I don’t know if my Mum wanted me to be a failure, but she never took my trainer wheels off and I’ve been using only my legs for exercise ever since. Everything was fine until Onzos came out and the, “Let’s just bike there,” suggestions started from my friends. I’d have to politely decline.
Auckland traffic stinks. The council however, does give a rats ass because they’re seriously going ham on advertising to make Auckland more of a biking metropolis - probably so they save a dollar on all those double-decker glorious monstrosities.
Nevertheless, I thought it was time to learn to ride, Earth issue and all. Why bus to uni when you can ride a bike? Well I can’t ride a bike, and that’s the fucking problem.
Starting in Mission Bay, I took to the pedals. In theory, this was a great idea: learn some
new life skills, reduce my carbon footprint and get some exercise in. Apparently balance doesn’t come naturally with age.
Problem 1: The seat doesn’t go low enough. If you are a short
meercat of a human like me you will understand the uncomfort
of a seat that jams into your bum bone.
Problem 2: Turns out I tend to favour my left side. I lean, and
lean and lean, and then I’m on the ground. Trying this repeatedly
brings me back to Problem 1. Pain is progress. Kind of.
Problem 3: People still stare and laugh at you in 2019.
Judgement is cruel.
Problem 4: My hair doesn’t flow out behind me and there’s
no straw basket with flowers at the front. Movies are bullshit.
Instead I look like a drunk tween looking to trash the Onzo name.
Problem 5: I rode a total of 500m in about 20 minutes. I asked
my friend to pick me up and drive me to class...sorry planet.
All-in-all it wasn’t a success. It was pretty shit actually. I would
say it won’t happen again but I paid the $10 deposit for the app
and topped up $5 on top of that. Give me time for my bum to feel
less sore and I might be back for round two.