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How To Be Great at Sex From Someone Who's Terrible At Sex

When I left high school, I was not good at sex. I didn’t realise this at the time, of course, but I believed in some really weird things. I don’t know where all these crazy ideas came from but let me tell you: they led to some VERY awkward sexytimes. I invite you, dear reader, to indulge in a laugh at my youthful awkwardness. Here’s a list of the top sex tips that will make you a sex machine, according to 18-year-old me. If you want to do sex right, then don’t do the following.

Everyone enjoys the same thing

Take oral sex for example. Say your ex really liked it, this must mean it works for everyone. It turns out that when someone says “I don’t like oral” it’s not because they have a genuine preference and don’t like it. It’s because every one of their previous partners was bad. But you’re not bad at sex. You’re great at sex. You’ll show them the truth. No matter how many uncomfortable, awkward hours you have to spend with your face between their legs, you’ll get them that orgasm that they deserve.

Everyone is attracted to the same thing

Obviously, everyone is attracted to the same body type. Remember, dear reader, that the media is always right. The only way forward is to pursue people you’re not attracted to, with the understanding that they’ll never find you attractive. Because all my opinions come out of the fitness section of Instagram and so should yours.

Men’s muscles should always flexed

All men must be manly (and muscly). So, if you’re a man, you must feel muscly every time your partner touches you. As such, when having sex, every time your partner touches you, flex that muscle. Because girls love muscles, right? If your partner seems worried that you appear tense and uncomfortable every time they touch you, don’t concern yourself. This is just your sexy, muscle magic working its charm.

The goal of sex is to make your partner cum

Remember that just like an employer, a sexual partner expects you to be goal oriented. And that goal is not to have fun. No, your sole reason for being here is to GET. THAT. ORGASM. It doesn’t matter that you’re having a bad time, a cramping forearm and there’s an interminable silence pervading the bedroom. This is about you winning at sex. Because if they don’t cum, everybody loses. Some people say that sex is about being comfortable and having fun, and that fun leads to orgasms. But how could that be the case?!

If you want to have terrible sex, and drive your partners away in droves, follow this advice. If you want healthy relationships and a happy life, don’t be like I was. Laugh at past me and be better. I’m certainly trying to be.

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