The 'Treehouse' and the Chamber of Baby-making

August 13, 2019

 

In humble memory of the original ‘Treehouse’, it is with all due respect that we remember the red chair pits of fuck-a-thonary.

 

If you’ve never had a squizz, the ‘Treehouse’ is an area on level 4 of WG where you can study, gaze poetically through the trees and get a buddy to suck you off. Before they became extinct, there used to be a cluster of sofas with huge five-head backing so that people walking past couldn’t see in. Some pushed them against the wall and others even put two together to (allegedly) make a peaceful pod to bump uglies. 

 

The cream cheese icing about the ‘Treehouse’ is that everyone knows shit is going down. B-lining for classes makes everyone look like fucken zombies but our eyes didn’t need to be focused to know what lay horizontally behind those prickly, tomato chair-backs.

 

Anonymous sources have been slipping us words on the happenings. We know everything. Yes, you, I know what you did! The following is testimony from one witness: 

 

“We turned our head towards a sound and saw the head of a woman who was literally moaning…we could see her going up and down on him.”

 

If I was to pursue post-grad study (I would rather shoot hoops in the plaza) then I would chow down into some research on why students are rooting/planting/fertilising each other (worth a shot) in the ‘Treehouse’ of ALL places. There are some delightful bathrooms in WZ, they even have doors. But for some unknown reason, the thrill of those chairs seems irresistible to horny, caffeinated and procrastinating idiots.

 

One student told me that they even saw some nasties while they were enjoying their morning coffee:

 

“What I saw in the reflection horrified me, a girl giving a blow job to, I assume, her boyfriend at 8am.”

 

AUT is inventive when it comes to things that no one wants or knows how to use. Those height-ist fidget spinner standing tables in the Hikuwai Plaza are an example, with people awkwardly hoisting themselves onto the bar and swinging their limbs around like a fucking jungle gym. The ‘Treehouse’ chairs at City Campus are yet another unusual addition, however, for some it probably turned into the best part of their day. 

 

Amazingly, one AUT student actually admitted to being the “dick” who had called security before on couples having “coitus” in the ‘Treehouse’. What terrified me the most was that they used the word “coitus”.  

 

The student also admitted to putting signs on the chairs that said, “a couple just had sex here,” and “avoid the wet patch.”

 

“Only so that no one would take the seat while I went into a lecture,” they added defensively.

 

 I still wouldn’t risk it. Best to study in the library in a guaranteed silent (moans included) space. Anyone who knows the whereabouts of the infamous red couches should please contact us urgently at debate@aut.ac.nz so we can give away the most stained ones in the next issue.


 

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