Eat Yourself Sober

Illustration by Leo Walton

Sophia Romanos teaches you to un-hangover yourself based on absolutely no expert knowledge whatsoever.

Hung, two, three, four, who’s that vomming on the floor?

My head was in the toilet one Friday and it was one of those moments in your life where you sit in bed, reflect on your life and Google like it’s the sweet lord’s bible.

I had woken up wearing nothing but my jewellery and a pillow pet on my face. A good start indeed. My mate came in who I had begged to stuff her fingers down my throat the night before and offered me a pie from Forte. This felt like the best idea until I smelt it in all its meaty steaming glory. If you’ve been that hung and smelt hot food you’ll know it’s the equivalent of satan farting on your face.

Here’s what might make you feel better after a night out (but probably still won’t):

Maccy D’s:

Don’t Google it, but grease is great for you. Cheeseburgers, hash browns, fries. Give yourself 20 minutes after you wake up to chow down so you won’t see it go down the drain afterwards.

An orange:

I swear by this. Shove an orange slice in your mouth and you’ll slurp that shit up like you’re 11 and KFC Krushers just got invented.

Yesterday’s Cold Hell’s pizza:

Depending on what you had on the night before you may or may not have a slice left in the fridge. Even if it’s your flatmate’s, hungover you isn’t normal you so eat now, think later. If you’re ordering in the moment, add in a $5 Whittakers-filled Unholy Donut because that shit is GOOD.

Bagels + anything:

Mum always told me carbs are like panadol: take two every 4-6 hours. Well, she didn’t, but if she tried it I’m sure she wouldn’t complain. Shove your hair in a bun and your post-dancefloor feet into some slides and slither on down to Best Ugly Bagels or Goodness Gracious, but good god put some sunglasses on - you look terrible.

DIY pancakes:

Bacon, maple syrup, bananas (heeeello potassium!) and some round plops of pan-fried batter. Drag up your friends who thought it was better to split an Uber the night before than to go home and make these bad boys. There’s a chance that it’ll soak up the jagerbombs you downed like a champion the night before...I’m skeptical about the absorbency of pancakes - but health aside, it’ll taste fucking amazing.