A Letter to my Queer Anonymity

FEATURE | MAHIMAHI / SEX

Written by Anonymous | Contributing Writer

As a slightly religious, definitely gay, newly non-monogamous Indigenous trans person, mapping out my personal history with sex is an absolute rollercoaster. Religious homes, in my honest opinion, are the birthing place of the most sexually repressed and then sexually expressive beings to grace planet Earth. I mean, come on, years and years of repression through puberty, whispered sex talks and a general aversion to anything pleasurable? The saying "helicopter parents raise the sneakiest kids" transforms into an all-out orgy of a sex life when older. That, or some intense repression and some light-to-medium homophobic tendencies. It truly is a gamble that the house doesn't win.

I admit- I was a devout admirer of our religion. I was fortunate to grow up in a family-driven church that was non-judgmental and slightly more left-leaning than many other institutions. However, I struggled to believe there were real options beyond marriage, children, and a lifetime of quiet servitude. I found comfort in the idea that life was a series of choices, with paths that would initially seem bad but would be necessary in retrospect. Ignore the vigilante-esque reasoning- it kept me going. That idea is one I carry to this day, alongside the hope that if there is a god, they will stand by one of my favourite teachings- unconditional love. After all, that unconditional love is what kept me sane throughout my years of "sin".

My sexuality journey happened in tandem with my self-exploration, an insanely confusing mesh of increased sex drive and lust for all non-cis men. If any of you have had a so-called "hoe phase", please imagine that experience on gay-awakened-induced steroids. Perhaps you don't have to imagine- if so, let's be friends. Without my first relationship, I wouldn't have had the proverbial balls to do ANY form of self-exploration. The only suggestive media I had access to growing up was certain raunchy music videos and roleplay group chats (the latter of which I would love to forget) until I was 17 and discovered the beauty of Wattpad, my beloved. Ironically, once I was convinced I would not be struck down for a little bit of fun, the Gender Crisis hit, and I was forced into a rabbit hole of self-hatred and dysphoria. Thankfully for me and many others, I found salvation in the blessed company of the Polyamorous Artist Association; my group of queer art kids who loved to fuck anyone who could sing (I love you all.)

Finding comfort in great queer friends really gave me a safe space to explore. By reframing my view of what I could and couldn't do, they opened me up to the idea that my once-repressed feelings weren't wrong. A couple pronoun changes and confusing coveting of fictional women later, I finally felt safe in labelling myself as a trans bisexual. I'm thankful for the artist and theatre friends I surrounded myself with- one could say this was inevitable, but I'd never have my half-decent wardrobe without you all. 

Alas, dear reader, it doesn't stop there- once I settled into my spiritual, mental and sexual beliefs, the concept of Polyamory was thrown into the mix (thank you again, my artist friends.) In my case, I have always had multiple crushes at one time. Blame it on the endless fictional character crushes I'd covet across endless universes. My friends and I discussed this at length over Soju and animated movies, which made me realise I might not be alone in my thoughts (I can, in fact, never have an original experience.) While in a monogamous relationship, I had no urge to break that trust and agreement, but I was struggling with feeling "wrong" for also liking other people. Through conversations with my then-partner and honest reflection on my part, I realised there was nothing wrong with acknowledging my feelings as long as I didn't act on them. I would keep my partner informed, and for the most part, we'd joke about which characters in movies we wanted to fuck. Thank god for accepting partners, am I right? Even if that relationship, quite frankly, goes to shit.

Polyamory is always an interesting conversation topic. The amount of "woke" friends I have who either scoff at the idea or are generally uneducated on the matter continues to surprise me. Like, you're going to shame me for wanting relations with MULTIPLE AMAZING WOMEN? I get it; I can be gay as long as it still fits into some vague social 'standards.' You've never experienced the magic of loving multiple people at once, and I sincerely apologise. All joking aside, there is such beauty in Polyamory- (I do not mean polygamy or any form of forced cheating within relationships. You may not hold space here.) Polyamory is built on the consent of multiple beings who agree to love, fuck, date or whatever else while still respecting their partner's wishes. Whether you're collectively dating in a polycule set-up or keeping yourselves open while still being utterly devoted to your partner, the number of beautiful experiences you can discover is limitless. While this lifestyle may not be for you, I implore you to recognise how natural this choice is. Humans were not born monogamous- we would have likely died out a long time ago if we were. 

Now that I've gone through a hectic break-up, many a situationship and found myself a lifetime partner, I realise that this has always been a natural part of my sexuality. Why would I deprive myself of experiencing and giving out love to close friends, casual hookups or various partners? I understand the stigma, the exceptions and the fear. I realise it is hard to understand or connect to a lifestyle choice you wouldn't live. As someone who has battled the most severe self-doubt, please trust me when I say- I get you. I understand. 

If my religious and queer experiences have taught me anything, all of us need to grow more open and tolerant of what is around us. There is such beautiful freedom in accepting people as they are and recognising the beauty of the world around us (unless it's illegal or immoral- I'm not about to get quoted for shitheads who use Polyamory or queerness as an excuse to harm people or evade responsibility.)

Look, I'm not trying to convert you or anything. If you are comfortable in your sexuality, your sexual preferences and how you're living, that's all I want for all of us. However, if you're trapped in religious backlash, stuck on what label to pick for your body or scared of change, I need you to know it'll be okay. Befriend those who will support you and your journey. Respect boundaries but also confide in those you trust if you have questions- chances are, your friends are living the same life you are. No one has the right to tell you how to fuck or who to date. Be safe, be happy, and be you.