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Auckland Man's Interest in Politics Ignited by Innovative Analysis

by Luke Fisher (he/him)

contributing writer

Local 27-year-old, Darren ‘Dazza’ Anderson, has developed a sudden obsession with the 2023 Election after watching the first leader’s debate and the expert analysis that followed.

Darren had never previously taken an interest in politics, saying, “I couldn’t understand it at all,” before hurriedly adding that this was down to not giving a shit, rather than a lack of intelligence. However, he met a politically minded lady just before the big debate, so he thought it best to wise up before their date next weekend.

Darren struggled to stay awake during the debate itself. “I found myself thinking, is she really worth putting myself through this?” Just when he was about to switch to Sky Sport Now to watch the Warriors vs. Newcastle highlights for the fifth time that week, something caught his attention. The post-debate analysis hosted by Jack Tame with panellists Tau Henare, Maiki Sherman and David Cunliffe began with a hiss and a roar. Henare complained about the lack of physical and verbal abuse. “I’m hooked,” thought Darren.

What followed was half an hour of a never-seen beforemethod of political analysis, attributing every single facet of the debate to either rugby union or rugby league. There was not a lack of “clear argumentative triumph, necessary to determine a winner,” but rather a lack of an “Up the Wahs moment.” Chris Hipkins’ failure to interrupt Luxon’s prepared lines was a failure to “ankle-tap him while he had the ball.” “He [Chris Hipkins] has to kick it out of the park – he’s got nothing to lose.”

Henare spoke straight to Darren’s heart, especially near the end. “I don’t think this is the debate that Chippy needed to win, I think he could afford to lose it or draw it. I think the bigger ones are the next two ones, where he knows the score. It’s a bit like Penrith vs. Warriors; we all knew that the second-stream Warriors team wasn’t going to win, but boy did they turn up against Newcastle. And that’s that Up the Wahs moment, and I think that’s what Chippy needs, ’cause I do think that Luxon is in front.”

This was an intense spiritual awakening for Darren. “I’ve never felt more enlightened, it all makes sense now.” Darren privately told us he felt like Ken in Barbie (2023) when he discovered the patriarchy (although he later denied ever watching the film). For Darren and many other Kiwi men, all they needed was for it to be put into rugby terms. This method could be a vital tool in capturing this population’s hearts and minds as public participation is essential to a healthy democracy.

Darren was unable to confirm if any of this helped with his date.


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