How To F**k Up Uni

The do’s and don’t’s of how to start your academic year

Illustration by Yi Jong

Starting a new year at uni, you’ll find that the haircuts, kicks and browser histories are all fresh and the slate is wiped clean. Sleeping in a bedroom you pay too much money for, you can’t afford to screw this degree up – so follow my trusty advice around how to not shit the bed within the first few weeks back on the grind.

Don’t get a Tertiary Concession

Think you’re better than the loser-cruiser? You’re not. A seat on the bus is an emperor’s chair in Auckland, so you better get used to it. With your concession validated you can ride for $3.45 instead of $5.00. Be smart, save those dollars for Friday drinks when (if) you make it through the week.

Pack lunch on a Thursday

You wanna waste your last portion of pesto pasta on lunch? Go for it, but you were warned. Saturday may be “for the boys”, however, Thursday is for free lunch in the plaza. Save your dollars and stack up on snags.

Accumulate so much debt on your library card you can’t get out any textbooks

No, no one is going to let you borrow their library card if you use and abuse yours. This is how trust issues are born.

Never check your grades on Arion

Just because you didn’t look doesn’t mean you didn’t fail :--)

Boycott the Medical Centre

If you go to WSA, then you’re going to get sick (or a mad UTI) at least seven times this year. The Medical Centre is free for domestic students, so stop being an asswipe and book in as soon as you get the sniffle.

Ignore the Student Hub

They have the answers to everything. They are Mum 2.0.

Don’t check your emails

Hot tip: Microsoft Office sucks. Get your uni emails redirected to your personal email and you’ll be able to check these babies a whole lot more often. Now you’ll be up-to-date on class changes, AUTSA events and maybe even hot single girls in your area if you check the spam!

Miss all the O Week Activities

If you think you’re better than the O Week activities AUTSA puts on...well, then you probably are. Everyone else, get your ass to Vesbar for a bevvy and a comedy night.