Rekindling the Love of Filmmaking

FEATURE | HANGA / CRAFT

Written by Tara Jade Bellairs (they/them) | @tara_bellairs_portfolio | Contributing Writer

Illustration by Scarlett Kean | Contributing Illustrator

I was almost non-verbal for the first four years of my life, shy around others at school, and my dyslexia meant I couldn’t read or write fluently. Not being able to read was a burden for me; I felt like I was missing out on the art form of storytelling. The desire to engage with narratives meant I enjoyed others reading books to me instead, or listening to stories through good banter, and I especially fell in love with film. I would watch anything from the iconic Lion King, which inspired me to bring up the “cycle of life” when others grieved over their lost ones, to a cheeky Tarantino film my dad and I would often quote excerpts (yes, I had a naughty dad who would let me watch R-rated films growing up). 

Eventually, I started making stop motion films when I was thirteen. It was at that age that I lost my beloved nan, and I would make films to cope with my grief through comedic skits and fan-made music videos. I would collect dolls, sit myself on my uncomfortable bedroom floor and open up Stop Motion Studios on my phone to start tediously making films. My desire to make films led me to take media studies in high school, a class where I felt I could excel and enjoy making campy B-rated horror films and make mockumentary-type PSAs (public service announcements) for assessments. From making homemade videos and short films at school, I knew I wanted to pursue a Communications Degree at AUT, where I could take my passion for media further. 

Being able to do a degree in something I felt passionate about gave me a drive in life that I needed. From dedicating one of my papers to telling the story of my dyslexia, to stuffing film equipment and a crew member's into my Mini (you’d be surprised how much I could fit in that car). After I graduated, I landed a job at AUT making student-facing videos and helping lecturers troubleshoot video and audio-based platforms. This included some coursework videos for tourism students, podiatry surgeries scenarios videos (I would get funny glances at my screen at work) and even some of the Canvas tutorials that I know you students scrambled to find before hitting the submit button. 

As the job market started to shrink, I couldn’t extend my contracted job with AUT. I spent all of 2024 looking for a job. I thought that because I had a degree, worked at a university and had a range of skills that I would be picked for a job despite the steep competition. I found that I would often land job interviews for content creator roles. Because of this, I often made videos as a part of the job interview, but ended up being ghosted or being told “not enough experience” when being declined. I did manage to find the odd content creation job, though often I was underpaid or not paid at all. On top of the constant “no’s”, every month WINZ pestered me to go to their office and prove that I was applying for jobs left, right and centre. I started to find that I was compromising my ethics and well-being in order to get off the benefit. I was applying for 100s of jobs a month, regardless of how much I wanted to do them. I even had the audacity to work for a homophobic client after my lesbian breakup (which I found amusing). But through my fear of being outed during this job, I started to rip off my pride badges from my bag I took with me for filming. Removing my rainbow badges felt like I was removing my pride, making me realise I was stripping my identity as a person for the sake of finding work. I was living in the same grey suit almost every week, being told “no” almost every day by jobs I applied to. Even all the films I was making for job interviews and clients felt like corporate shells or films that didn’t feel a part of me. 

I was told that I had a content creation job towards the end of the year and that I was to start within a month, so I referred this to WINZ so they could leave me alone. Almost one month goes by, and I have to chase up the company to be told that my first job “collapsed” and was ghosted after that. I was extremely disheartened. My skills and desire to make content, especially film, felt like a burden. I had the biggest mental breakdown. I didn’t want to go back into the WINZ office or wear that grey suit while receiving the answer to “no” again. 

I ended up going on the sickness benefit due to the anxiety that was piled on me. Not long after being on the sickness benefit, I started to entertain the idea of going back to university for a postgraduate degree. Being in awe of engaging with social and media-related topics, hiring cameras and making films. I had the drive to come back to do my Post-Graduate Certificate and Master's in Communication Studies. In one of my papers, I knew I wanted to make a short film, though I ran out of time to make a live-action film, I resorted to using stop motion again, which gave me a healthy dose of nostalgia. I also took part in the 48-hour film festival again this year and reminded myself about the joy of working with a film crew. From there, I have had people reach out to me wanting to help edit their videos, and I have started to rekindle that love and passion for filmmaking. I look to the future, not just making more films again, but telling stories.