Spill the Tea with Tashi #10

SPILL THE TEA WITH TASHI | COLUMN | PŪRĀKAU / MYTHOLOGY

Written & illustrated by Tashi Donnelly (she/her) | @tashi_rd | Feature Editor

Q: 21 She Her

Hi Tashi! 

Okay so I’m dating literally the best guy I’ve ever been with. Like, I mean it. He’s kind, funny, smart, emotionally available (??? I know), we talk for hours, we’re weird in the same ways, the sex is amazing, and I feel actually safe and happy for the first time ever. He even listens when I talk about my feelings. Like this is the type of man you keep.

So why am I writing to you???

It’s just... okay. He lives with two flatmates, and we hang out at his place a lot 

(since I still live at my parents' house with both of my siblings!). And it’s totally fine. They’re chill. It’s fine. But one of them... one of them is this annoyingly attractive gym guy with a perfect jaw and, like, a calm vibe. He’s the kind of person who makes you feel like everything’s okay just by handing you a cup of tea. We watch the same dumb shows, he always remembers little things I say, and he’s just... there. All the time. Being all nice and warm and hot. 

And the way he is with his dog?? I can’t. He talks to her in this soft voice, like full baby talk, and she loves him. He always knows exactly what she needs, food, a walk, cuddles, without her even making a sound. Like he’s emotionally in sync with his dog?? It’s illegal levels of attractive.

Anyway. I’ve started fantasising about him. A lot. Like way too much. Like, vivid, not-just-a-passing-thought fantasies. And I hate it. I feel so guilty and gross and confused. I love my boyfriend. I don’t want to be with anyone else. But my brain won’t stop and now I feel like I’m cheating just by thinking.

How do I stop obsessing over someone I literally don’t even want to date??? Why is my brain like this??? Please help before I spiral further.

A: Firstly, congratulations on finding a kind and funny guy who’s good at sex and listens when you talk about your feelings. That’s basically like finding an affordable flat close to the city with functioning heat pumps and natural light. Rare, precious, hold onto that. 

Now, onto The Flatmate. Our minds work in peculiar ways, but the experience you’re describing is as common as mosquitoes on a summer night. I know my heart would throb a little if I were faced with a dog-loving, tea-making gym boy smouldering at me from the kitchen. Your brain is just doing what brains do, collecting stimuli and spinning out horny daydreams like an over-caffeinated Wattpad author. 

But here’s the key point: fantasy ≠ betrayal. Humans are messy. We’re full of contradictions, tug-of-wars, and projections. Attraction isn’t linear or logical; it’s rooted in early longings, attachment needs, and unconscious wishes. This means your mind sometimes latches onto a Golden Retriever Man and tells you a raunchy romcom story without you asking for it. And romcoms exist for a reason: they tap into the universal wish to be perfectly seen and understood. 

When I read your letter, the part that stood out to me most was your mention of the dog. I think the dog is important here. Before you get insulted, bear with me, I will explain my work. 

You’re not just noticing the Flatmate, you’re identifying with the dog. 

The way he intuits her needs without words? That’s a universal fantasy. We wish all of our needs could be immediately met without having to ask. We all want to feel perfectly understood, doted on, and loved unconditionally. The issue is, you’re not a dog.

I don’t think your fantasy is about actually wanting him; it’s about what he represents. 

So how do we stop you spiralling further? First things first, name the projection. What you’re feeling isn’t really about him; it’s a fantasy of being wordlessly understood. Secondly, you need to quit feeding the fantasy beast. If you catch yourself mentally scripting a novella starring you and Dog Dad, try to redirect your mind. Don’t berate yourself in the process! Negative reinforcement is not a healthy learning method. Try to be kind while attempting to swap out your daydreams. 

Thirdly, watch for the cracks. Attractive people are, I shit you not, just people. Next time he leaves dishes in the sink or wears socks with holes in them, notice it. Remember that he may be fit and good with dogs, but he might also be a selfish lover. Build a counter-narrative to combat the illusions. 

I’d also like you to try to reframe the guilt you’re feeling. You’re not cheating, and you’re not planning on cheating either. You’re a human animal with a giant, contradictory brain, which is coincidentally our largest sex organ, and sometimes it projects happily-ever-after stories onto the nearest chiselled jawline. 

I want to congratulate you on the wisdom you’ve already displayed: you’re able to recognise that your wishful fantasy is different from what you really want and value in your current partner. Your boyfriend isn’t a trope; he’s a person who makes you feel safe, comfortable being weird around, and who makes you happy. 

Remember, you’re not “gross” or “bad” for having these thoughts. You’re a human. Enjoy your amazing boyfriend, pat the dog, and let the rest dissolve like candy floss in the rain.