Spill the Tea with Tashi #4

SPILL THE TEA | COLUMN | MAHIMAHI / SEX

Written by Tashi Donnelly (she/her) | @tashi_rd | Feature Editor 

Q: 22 (She/Her)

Dear Tashi, 

(I've changed all the names in my story and I know none of them read Debate, so I think I'm safe to ask)...

I need your advice on a situation that’s rapidly spiralling out of control. I’m a second-year student, and I recently moved into a flat with three other people: my good friend Jess, her boyfriend Daniel, and a guy from our course, John. Things were fine for the first couple of months, but then… drama.

A few weeks ago, I drunkenly hooked up with Daniel at a party (There might have also been some other drugs in the mix...) It was a mistake, obviously. I felt guilty immediately and decided never to speak of it again. Daniel agreed. But last weekend, Jess went through his phone (she’s insecure, but in this case, unfortunately justified) and found messages between us. Nothing explicit, but enough to suggest something happened. She confronted Daniel, he cracked, and now she knows.

Jess, understandably, is furious. But here’s where it gets worse: she’s not mad at Daniel. She’s blaming me entirely, calling me a backstabber and a homewrecker. She’s telling all our mutual friends that I “seduced” him, and now I’m getting iced out of our entire social circle. John, our other flatmate, is caught in the middle! He says he doesn’t condone what happened but thinks it’s unfair that all the blame is on me.

Meanwhile, Daniel is getting off scot-free. Jess hasn’t broken up with him, and he’s acting like nothing happened. I’ve apologised to her so many times, but she won’t hear it. She’s also refusing to move out, and since our lease is locked in, I can’t afford to leave either. Now, I’m stuck living with two people who hate me and one who’s awkwardly neutral.

How do I fix this? Should I just accept my fate as the villain of this story and keep my head down until the lease is up? Or is there a way to move past this without losing all my friends in the process?

A: Dear Anonymous 

Let’s get the obvious out of the way: what you did was wrong. You broke a friend’s trust, and even though you regret it, that doesn’t erase the hurt. I firmly believe the old saying, “Drunken words are sober thoughts”. Your inhibitions may have been lowered, but drugs don't make people sleep with their friend’s boyfriend, and to be fair to you, drugs don’t make people sleep with their girlfriend’s friend. It takes two to tango, as they say. If your hook-up was consensual, then no matter how spontaneous or hazy it felt, some part of you wanted it to happen. That doesn't make you evil—it makes you human. But it's important to be honest about that, especially if you want to take real responsibility. And if you want to make amends, start by fully owning your part in what happened, without deflecting.

If you’re going to give Jess a proper apology, you can’t use excuses.

That said, let's talk about the double standard in the room. I see a familiar pattern playing out here. It’s the age-old story of two individuals committing a crime, and one gets away free (and doesn't even have the decency to defend their partner in crime when push comes to shove). Following a guilty verdict, you, the accused, were sentenced by Judge Jess. Despite the glaringly obvious evidence that Daniel was at the scene of the crime. 

So Jess is directing all her anger at you, and Daniel is dancing around in the same shoes he took you to tango in. 

Sadly, this happens all too often—women are painted as homewreckers while men are seen as passive participants. When I ponder these concepts, Jolene by Dolly Parton plays in my head. A classic banger from the country music queen herself, it’s a very honest depiction of how jealousy can manifest. Dolly begs Jolene not to take her man, because despite feeling so compelled to keep him, she doesn’t trust his loyalty when presented with a desirable other woman. None of this excuses your actions, but it does put Jess’s reaction in context. She’s hurting, and she’s channelling that hurt somewhere that feels easier than turning it on her boyfriend. 

A psychoanalyst might ascribe this to Object Relations Theory: when people feel betrayed, they sometimes split the world into good and bad—because it’s too painful to hold both love and betrayal at once. Right now, you’re “bad” and Daniel’s “good,” not because that’s fair, but because it’s emotionally safer for Jess. Daniel may have to be idealised and excused in Jess’s mind because acknowledging his betrayal might threaten her core sense of trust and self-worth.

That doesn’t mean this will last forever, but it might help you understand why she’s reacting the way she is.

Ultimately, this friendship might not be salvageable. Jess may never forgive you, and that will be something you have to accept. Trying to force forgiveness is about as sisyphean as you can get. Trying to explain things away will make things worse. The bitchy side of me wants to say, at least you’re not in a relationship with a cheater—so who’s really winning? But that’s not really helpful.

The best advice I can give is this: keep it civil, and focus on other friendships. If you’re stuck in this living situation for a year, you have to find a way to make it bearable. People’s opinions tend to soften over time, but if you keep bringing it up, even to apologise again, it could feel like rubbing salt in the wound for Jess. Eventually she might come round and realise Daniel is as much to blame. She may not want to see either of you. Or she might be more open to friendship, after a break.

If you can, try spend more time outside of your flat. Lean on other friends. If you have the opportunity to move out, take it. If everyone in your friend group is taking staunch sides, maybe it’s because they suffer from black-and-white thinking. It may be a little immature—but also incredibly common. People love a villain. It gives them something to talk about over brunch.

But life is rarely so neat and tidy. In the real world, people are messy, motivations are mixed, and sometimes everyone’s a little bit wrong and a little bit right. Maybe what you need isn’t just forgiveness from Jess, but a whole new friend group that’s a bit more emotionally nuanced. Have you considered befriending some polyamorous theatre nerds? If you’re someone who likes to sleep with people in relationships, there are plenty of non-monogamists out there. 

As Esther Perel says, “The quality of your relationships determines the quality of your life.” So maybe this is your cue to build relationships with people who don’t immediately throw you in the dungeon when you mess up—but who’ll still call you out when you deserve it. That’s the sweet spot.

Good luck, and remember: it’s easier to believe in heroes and villains than it is to believe in humans being messy and disappointing. 

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The "Spill the Tea with Tashi" Column will be published in each new issue of Debate Magazine, and here on debatemag.com.

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