Spill the Tea with Tashi #7

SPILL THE TEA WITH TASHI | COLUMN | AROHA / LOVE

Written by Tashi Donnelly (she/her) | @tashi_rd | Feature Editor

Q: 18, she/her

Hi Tashi, I hope you can help me with this. I’m having a weird time with my best friend and I’m not sure if I’m overreacting or if something is actually off. We’ve been close since year 11, and we're both at different Auckland universities now, but lately I feel like everything has become this subtle competition. She always asks what grades I got (which feels weird because we’re in different courses and different schools!), and when I tell her, she either one-ups me or downplays her own results in this fake-humble way. It feels like she only asks so she can talk about her own grades. She’s also started copying things I do, like dyeing her hair the same colour I just did, and posting similar captions on insta. I feel like I’m getting too annoyed by it, and I don’t want to be. 

It’s not only that stuff, it's other subtle stuff too. Sometimes when we’re trying on outfits for a party she’ll say things like “Aw, your boobs look so much better than mine in that dress, not fair!” And we laugh, but it felt like a weird backhanded compliment. She also constantly points out who is flirting with her, and who’s checking her out, but when I mention that I thought someone was flirting with me she always says “Nah, I don't think that was flirting” and makes fun of me (not in a super mean way) for not being able to tell. 

I feel like she’s making me feed into this women competing with other women trope that I don't want to be a part of. I wonder if I’m just being insecure, but part of me feels like she wants me to feel that way. I don't want to lose her, and she wasn’t like this in high school, but I’m tired of second-guessing everything she says and does. How do I talk to her about this without it turning into a massive drama? I don’t want it to come across like I’m jealous and bitchy. Any help with this is appreciated! 

A: Dear Anonymous, 

For starters, I don’t think you’re overreacting. In fact, I applaud your radically compassionate question. These days, I think a lot of people would tell you to set up boundaries or to cut the “negative energy” from your life. I’m not going to do that. Firstly, because you’ve explicitly expressed a desire to remain friends, and secondly, because I don’t think cutting people off as soon as they do something annoying serves our humanity. However, I’ll try not to bore you with my personal philosophical beliefs. 

The way your friend is acting is making you second-guess yourself because it's bordering on gaslighting. I don’t mean the kind of intense, abusive gaslighting that’s become a buzzword in online discourse, but the subtle kind that speaks more to immaturity than willful intent to harm. You’re a good friend, so you want to make sense of it. Let’s try to do that. 

When I read your letter, I was overwhelmed by the same kind of protective sympathy I have for all teenagers. You’ve entered a new, adult part of your life. The step from high school to university is a big one. It’s scary and exciting. 

For your friend, going from the closeness of a high school friendship to the comparative distance of a university-aged friendship might be a shock. She may have been more reliant on you emotionally than she realised. And even though you’re only separated by Wellesley Street East, she might feel terribly abandoned. 

Her actions might seem like a strange response to missing you, but it could come from a fear of abandonment. If someone’s used to feeling emotionally dismissed and ignored, especially as a child, then when someone is actually there for them, and reliable, it can feel weirdly frightening. It’s like their brain is going, “Wait, no one else has been this consistent, I can’t trust that this is real.” And instead of recognising that as a fear, they act out in subtle, self-protective ways.

One of the ways people deal with these uncomfortable feelings is by projecting them. It’s kind of like an emotional game of hot-potato. They pass off the discomfort to someone else. Basically, instead of thinking “Oop, I’m feeling a bit jealous,” your friend feels the need to make you feel jealous instead. That way, she doesn’t have to deal with those feelings herself. It’s likely not on purpose; it’s just a messy way of trying to cope and stay close, at the expense of your friendship, unfortunately. 

So yeah, she’s a bit envious of you. It’s not a crime, as far as I know, but it’s certainly a little more than uncomfortable for you. The tricky thing with envy is that it can either bring people closer, like, “I admire you, and I’m lucky to have you in my life”, or it can turn into unhealthy comparison. Right now, it sounds like your friend has her navigation system calibrated toward sabotage.

This might explain why she brings up grades (even when it’s not relevant), copies your hair and Insta captions, makes comments about your body, and dismisses your experiences when you feel seen or desired. She’s trying to put you in the role of the “insecure one” so that she doesn’t have to feel that way herself. And the teasy, jokey tone lets her dodge responsibility, and makes you question whether you’re being too sensitive. 

But hey, here’s the thing: so many of us go through friendships like this, especially around your age. It’s common to test boundaries, act out a bit, fall into subtle competition without realising it and potentially ruin friendships while trying to figure out who you are. I’m guilty of doing this myself when I was a teenager, back in the Middle Ages. 

The fact that you’re noticing this and asking about it means you’re already ahead of the game. And with a little honesty and self-awareness, from both of you, this friendship still has a shot at becoming something healthy and strong. 

How are you going to address this with your friend? It's a tricky one. If your attempt doesn’t result in tangible change, I would probably suggest a bit of distance. But you’re young, some of this stuff is just emotional growing pains. 

It’s important to recognise that you’re picking up on your friend’s emotional discomfort, not your own inadequacy. That in and of itself is a solid emotional boundary. You’re doing a great job of holding the complexity already: you haven't labelled her as “toxic” or “fake”, just someone who’s behaving strangely, but is still your best friend. 

If you respond to the projection with more projection, it’ll only feed the cycle. As Jessica Benjamin puts it, “We are not simply passive recipients of projections. We participate in a process of mutual recognition or misrecognition.” If you indulge the projections, it gives them more weight, but it doesn’t make them real. The antidote is made with vulnerability. You need to tell your friend genuinely how her actions have made you feel.

So, how do you bring this up without it turning into a petty fight or spiral of defensiveness? 

Start with “I” statements. Rather than “You made me feel…,” try something like: “I felt uncomfortable when you said ___, and I want to understand what you meant so I don’t overthink it.” She can’t argue with how you feel. That’s not up for debate.

I’d also avoid framing the conversation as a You vs. Me. Instead, it should be both of you vs. the problem. Esther Parel talks about this as a key to conflict resolution, not defending positions, but trying to understand each other’s inner worlds. 

Most importantly, stay curious. You’re already doing this part. Curiosity opens up conversation. It doesn’t judge prematurely. Instead of saying, “You hurt me in these ways,” try: “Can you help me understand what was happening for you when…” It keeps things open instead of accusatory. 

I know this probably sounds like a bit of effort on your part, but none of this should feel like walking on eggshells. If she is receptive to your honest attempt to connect, wonderful! Your friendship can blossom. If she has a meltdown and refuses to engage, remember: you’ve done your part. There’s not much left to try. Respectfully, she can go compete with someone else’s nervous system.