Whining & Dining #10: You’re Not a Dog, How’d You Get Led On?

WHINING & DINING | COLUMN | MATARIKI

Written by Elle Daji (she/her) | @elleelleelleelle_ | Contributing Columnist

A friend of mine recently had an earth shattering two day talking stage. For lack of any better judgement (or any good judgement at all), she decided to date outside her type. After a slew of androgynous, metrosexual, carabiner LARPing men, it was time for the straight woman's favourite accessory; a man in finance thinking that this would lead to something stable, sensible and longer than a week. Oh how she was wrong. It turns out, “I think you’re pretty” is code for, “if I see you in person I won’t acknowledge your existence.” “I want to take you for dinner” actually means “never speak to me again.” 

Another friend of mine was ghosted by someone whose romantic relationship had emerged from a years long platonic courtship. They had spent their real, grown-up money on each other, flying between Auckland and Wellington, intertwining their friendships, and talking about their future. Then, on an unassuming Tuesday, he disappeared without a word. For all we know, he could be dead. Their relationship was a nebulous reverie which left her wondering if it ever happened.

Mixed messaging seems to be common practice in the modern dating world. People will share intimate moments, such as shaving someone’s back, and right afterwards say that they don’t want anything serious with you. Or saying that “you’re the kind of girl I would marry, but I just can’t date right now” - despite continuing to treat you like a partner. Words are the empty seducer of us all. 

The dissonance between what people say and their actions continues to grow. Honesty and vulnerability are now absent from the norm. The unknowable quality of person meaning that the other person never really understands them, or what they want. A preventative measure to refrain from getting hurt it seems that people look at dating more as need fulfillment more than anything else. An infinite guessing game, where there are no winners, just confusion and heartache. 

You could excuse this kind of behaviour to pure confusion. Most of us in our late teens and early twenties have more important quandaries than the ones posed by our love lives. Study, our career direction, friendships, and, you know - the small objective of figuring out who we are as people, usually dominate. Between those competing priorities, the interest of another person is the least of our concerns. A long and committed relationship complicates a life that is already difficult to keep above water. 

Dating apps seem to add another layer of complication. The promise of something new, something better is all too tempting. With each new swipe, an opportunity arises to improve upon what you’ve already got, even if you’re already happy. It’s dating on steroids, and most have an addiction problem. So we enter relationships, playing at commitment, only to get bored and move on to something new. Seeking instant gratification the same way we scroll through Instagram. Promising just enough to maintain the interest of someone else, without any of the follow through. 

That’s not to say that I’m against short-term or casual relationships. I personally don’t think I could handle something for more than a week before getting overwhelmed and calling it a day. But what I am against is dating unethically. I don’t know if you know this, but lying and treating people badly isn't nice and you really should try and avoid it. 

Also, people make mistakes. People fall in and out of love, as quickly as someone can bounce on a trampoline, and that’s not a crime. But telling them kindly and with respect for other human beings' feelings is always important. Communication, rather than ghosting is usually best practice. Usually. 

You also just meet bad people who sometimes masochistically hurt others to feed their own egos. Enough said. With these types running amok, It’s hard not to become nihilistic. If you can’t trust words, or actions, what’s left? It seems that even when you are upfront about what you want, things might still end in turmoil. 

For me, it seems the trick has been to stay away from it all together - recently, anyway. Getting caught up in the romantic subplots of your life by thinking about every little interaction and inflection may be overwhelming to the point of domination. Other people are unexpected and out of our control. I find treachery in placing the health of my mentality in the hands of a good-for-not-much situationship. 

But we can’t always be boring, can we? Someone has to play the character in the stories we tell over Friday evening beers. Another way to cope with turbulence on the plummeting plan that is my love life is by looking for the warning signs. Try and objectively assess communication, without getting caught up in your feelings for the other person. Sometimes just the awareness that it might not work out, or that you may end up hurt, is enough to prevent getting ahead of something before anything happens. 

And if that all doesn’t help, hey, - sometimes the drama of it is fun. The dating world’s a stage, and all of us merely players, or whatever that Shakespeare said. Some people make careers out of it, like Carrie Bradshaw or Dolly Alderton. Reveling in the ecstasy of retelling your last week’s escapades with your nearest and dearest is, in all honesty, more fun than the actual relationship. Just know at the end of it, there’s a Friday night with your name on it when you can inappropriately crash out at your local bar and the pained cries of PJ Harvey and the wistful chorus of ‘Nobody New’ by The Marias (or any sad girl music of your choice) is far more satisfying after the most crushing relationship of your life. Great things to look forward to!