Whining & Dining #8: How big is too big?

WHINING & DINING | COLUMN | MAHIMAHI / SEX

Written by Elle Daji (she/her) | @elleelleelleelle_ | Contributing Columnist

Three, six, ten, twenty years? Half your age, then add seven? An age gap-relationship can trigger a myriad of passionate responses, mostly telling you it's a bad idea and that you have issues with a mother or father. Freud would be proud of how far his influence has stretched. Many of my friends are at the age where even a gap of four years can cause concern. And to be clear we are talking about consenting adults, there’s no room for Lolita-esque relationships in 2025. Despite the common discussion in the zeitgeist, there is no satisfying conclusion. And although it's been discussed to death on Sex and the City, I do love to beat a dead horse. 

I've seen friends in their early twenties crumble at the hands of a thirty-year-old egomaniac. But I've equally seen friends find solace in the arms of someone who has a little more experience than us. At this age, we're not just learning from the tertiary education system — we're also figuring out how to function as adults without completely falling to pieces. My best mate and I screaming at each other about how to operate the gas oven comes to mind. Dating an older person can be a relief. They hopefully have a few more things figured out, like the gas oven. 

However, it's not the years between people that people take issue with, but really the disparity in power. Someone older has more time on the earth under their belt. That experience may come with increased financial security, emotional regulation, and self-confidence. I think this is a pretty one-note way of looking at relationships. Power and experience come in different forms; young people are usually more culturally attuned and can derive power from their youth. Age is a stereotypical indicator of where someone is in life, usually dictated by where someone 'should' be, which is not illustrative of a real human being. Therefore, relationships have to be evaluated based on their unique characteristics.

In my experience, the power dynamic exists most prominently within straight settings, where the man is older. There is, of course, a distinction between casual and more serious age-gap relationships. Unless there is a clear power imbalance within a casual relationship with clear boundaries and communication (the dream), you're unlikely to run into any issues. Life is famously short, and it seems unnecessary to write off a fling purely because the zeitgeist dictates that May-December relationships are inherently problematic. 

A good barometer is likely to be whether you both have the same priorities. You know, the big ones, for example, whether you are thinking about kids, how much the mortgage is and whether you are both on the same chronically online side of the internet. But that seems rather obvious, people arrive at landmark events at different parts of their lives and are ready for them at varying stages. As long as you tackle the same obstacles, the gap poses less of a threat. 

A friend of mine tripped and fell into a one-week relationship with a man twelve years older. Apparently, she was blind to the colour red because, my god, there were countless flags. He didn't have a stable living situation, despite having the means to flat, and didn't want to work, so he just didn't. He had a solid reputation for hitting on anything that so much as glanced at him. After she ended things he insulted her friends but then constantly tried to get her to go out with him and she finally came to her senses and realised he is a freak. It’s been six weeks since she broke it off, and he still sends her likes on Hinge. Some people date younger because they simply can't find someone age-appropriate. In those cases, the age gap isn't the problem; the person is. 

Putting societal expectations and power imbalances aside, you either like them or don't. Most online discourse about age-gap relationships lacks nuance, and honestly, life experience. Some people should really touch grass more. The interrogation into an age-gap relationship is about whether two people can operate well together. It’s important to understand the possible risks when entering any relationship, one with an age gap might give you a little more to think about. Don’t be like Nicole Kidman in Baby Girl, I don’t think she evaluated a single risk before drinking that glass of milk. Relationships are not simply transactional exchanges of power, but the ebb and flow that come from sharing your life with another. In a healthy, passion-fueled and loving relationship maybe the years between two people don’t matter all that much.