top of page
Luke Fisher

Extreme Makeover: Olympic Edition

ENTERTAINMENT | GAMES

Written by Luke Fisher (he/him) | @lukefish7_ | Contributing Writer


The Paris 2024 Olympic Games. The Olympics evokes Greece, tradition, rings, medals and glory. “Olympian” brings to mind youthful exuberance, the peak human athletic form, and Percy Jackson. Olympians have Herculean bodies and get applauded for finishing in 9.58 seconds. It should capture the world, yet global viewership of the 2020 Olympic Games was the lowest in the past three decades.


The Olympics are too predictable. Like every year, eight athletes will line up at a start line before running fast for 100m. The winner runs slightly faster than the rest. An injection of vibrancy and electricity is needed; events that have been the same for millennia must change.


I’m not the only one calling for change. You may have seen the tweet about a Hunger Games-style draft for participants. Influencer and talented musician Rufus Rice recently proposed the ‘Hungover Olympics’ (self-explanatory). Meanwhile, the Enhanced Games are scheduled for 2025. This event will encourage doping, promising “the ultimate demonstration of what the human body is capable of.”


Younger generations are less interested in the Olympics. Efforts are being made to change this, including introducing new events, like breakdancing. I’d like to provide further solutions to this problem.


100-metre Sprint

I recently turned twenty, but physically, I feel much older. Expecting a profound psychological shift into adult-level confidence, I instead found out I’m the same person; albeit with a slightly more dilapidated body. I worry GTA VI will arrive before my frontal lobe fully develops. Any exercise now requires an age of stretching, and getting out of bed the day after is a Sisyphean task. Once peaceful mornings have become a cacophony of cracking calcium.


Usain Bolt is retired, leaving behind that iconic 9.58 number and a ginormous hole in the sport. Little known fact: he inspired me to create the ‘Usain Bolt Special’, better known to others as ‘dissatisfaction’ and ‘frustration’. I think mine sounds best, but I digress. The point is that the 100-metre sprint would be much more entertaining if the athletes weren’t allowed to stretch. It would add the jeopardy the event so desperately craves.

Picture this: the starting gun fires, echoing around the stadium. But there is instant confusion as a second gunshot follows. Someone’s Achilles has just snapped. Brutal. Halfway up the track, Noah Lyles has done his hammy.


Suddenly, it’s a two-horse race between an athlete who learned to run on his arms and an accountant who worked out that running at a pace of 4 minutes 50 seconds per kilometre would give him a fighting chance. Ten metres to go and they’re nose to gripper. Then, without warning, our tricep track star crouches down and sends himself flying over the finish line. The crowd erupts. 27.32 seconds. It's a new world record for this revitalised event. An enormously high bar is set for future cold sprinters.


Absolute limbs.


Swimming

Humans aren’t made for water. We grew out of that phase 350 million years ago. Single-use submarines like the Titan and Titanic have since reminded us of that fact. But rising ocean levels may force us to revisit our aquatic roots. And this time will be different. We’ll be backed by the full force of science, technology and … the Seine River.


This is not so much an idea as it is a theory. Parisians have been forbidden to swim in the Seine since 1923. Successive governments have blamed pollution, but that is just a cover story for human history's most ambitious genetic engineering project yet. Dip your exposed foot into the Seine and it’ll emerge as a flipper. The 2024 Olympic swimming events, 102 years in the making, are merely a vessel for the introduction of humanity’s saving grace.


This is not to say that Lewis Clareburt smashing records with his newly acquired gills and dorsal fin won’t be awesome. I just know I’m flying straight to Paris when a nuke, after grazing Donald Trump’s ear, turns Antarctica into a microwave oven. Based on my Planet 4546B experiences, flippers and gills are fairly useful on ocean worlds.


Track Cycling

No one wants to watch a bunch of cyclists riding around a velodrome. It's dull and repetitive. Each race is almost a mirror of the last.


Track cycling needs to change. Take the Keirin, a three-lap race between up to six competitors, for example. Like in many sporting events, science, technology and engineering are often as important as the athletes themselves. The British bike for Paris 2024 boasts of an aerodynamic design “inspired by fighter jets.”


But the Olympics should be more about athletes and less about engineers. This is why all competing track cyclists should have to race on Penny-farthings. If you’re not familiar, it’s the bike with the massive front wheel from the late-1800s. A Penny-far-thing race would be the ultimate test of speed, endurance, balance, and self-respect. Go onto YouTube and search for "The Penny-farthing Bike Race”. It’s hard to explain, but it makes me feel the same way I do when I see a chicken running in shoes.


Ratings would skyrocket if races were more like the Demolition Derby at Speedway meetings. Athletes would be given a $50 budget to buy a shitbox bike from Facebook Marketplace. The last one riding would be the winner. Imagine a whole lot of rusty old bikes and battered cyclists tangled up on a velodrome. Limbs and spokes are no longer separate entities. It’s a con-torted and perverse surrealist painting.


Weightlifting

I think weightlifters are given way too much credit. I can’t believe they think that lifting a perfectly balanced, ‘heavy’ bar with a great grip and professional equipment is impressive. Seriously, get over yourselves.


Odds are that these so-called ‘weightlifters’ have never at-tempted to lift all the groceries out of Mum’s car while wearing her old pair of heels.


A truly challenging test for Olympic weightlifters would be carrying $500 worth of groceries, then $1000, $5000 and beyond until only one remains. The groceries would be in dodgy plastic supermarket bags of varying weights. Careful with the eggs, dear!


Diving

I planned on unfairly criticising diving for being boring, but I’ve decided to come clean. That judgement is just a coping mechanism. My real criticism is that divers set unrealistic body stand-ards that make arm-chair athletes like me feel bad. However, I do think there is real merit in making the Olympic Games an event for the people.


How does this apply to Olympic Diving? Enter the Manu. Loved by the masses and gaining traction on the planetary stage with the recent Z Manu World Champs. The fact that it was a ‘world championship’ in the same way as L&P is “world famous in New Zealand” is neither here nor there. I’m confident that competitive Manu popping would annihilate traditional diving’s viewership stats. People want to watch more than just skill. As an article on mygolfsky.com says, “It’s about rooting for people and personalities, finding a connection deeper than the game it-self.” Modern problems require modern solutions.


Javelin

Disclaimer: the following is not wholly my idea and is primarily to satisfy Thomas’s lust for blood and human sacrifice (I’ve kept the receipts, Mister Giblin). The javelin throw is an event in denial. It’s a domesticated spear but with the instincts of its predecessors suppressed. Forcing a javelin to fly through the air and never pierce flesh is the same as forcing a dog to be vegan. I’m talking to you, Lewis Hamilton.


I’m not sure who’d be nominated to be on the receiving end of this. Our current environmental policy-makers, perhaps? That’s how it would’ve worked in ancient Rome, not that any javelin could pierce Paul Mescal’s pecs. But maybe this could be a lucrative opportunity for the body modification industry. If the javelins were hot enough, the wound would be instantly cauterised, creating a badass scar. This would be dependent on whether people are willing to accept the small but possible risk of losing a vital organ. I, for one, think that anything is possible with good Marketing and PR. Just think of Tide Pods, 2018s most popular candy.


On a serious note, you should watch the Olympics, even if it is only out of respect for The NZ team. Remember, they’ve been training for their soporific events most of their lives. Amazingly, they’ve even stayed awake.


Well, International Olympic Committee, you’re welcome. I expect payment in return for my role as an Olympic saviour. Cash is preferred.


And to you, the reader. Imagine a distant future: your children are captivated by your nostalgic musings about Penny-farthing races and swimmers with three tail fins. Do me a favour. Tell them about me. Once upon a time, there was a humble Debate contributor, on a brave quest for validation…



Bình luận


bottom of page