Fear & Loathing in Public Houses - Alcohol and My Inability to Socialise

FEATURE | ISSUE FOUR/20 | RONGOĀ / DRUGS

Written by James A. Glass He/Him | @magicalflamebow | Contributing Writer

I’ve always found addiction to be a terrifying thing. The idea that you can become hooked on a substance that actively destroys your body, and that you also cannot simply quit, is nightmare-inducing. I’m genetically predisposed to alcohol dependency, and that scares the ever-living hell out of me. The horror stories of people who go through addiction have prevented me from partaking in substances for the most part. If you’ve ever wondered if the images of fucked-up organs on cigarette packaging have actually stopped anyone from smoking, you can now feel fulfilled. Despite my predisposition and general fear of getting hooked on anything, I drank quite a lot last year, and I don’t feel all that good about it, especially since I didn’t even get to experience the alleged social benefits of it.

I used to be given cases of alcohol, usually cider, and just let them sit in the corner of my room, a little monument of the funny juice being constructed before my very eyes. After a little while, I decided to do something about the various cans and bottles collecting dust, and gradually began drinking all these room-temperature beverages over the course of several months, all by myself. The waste-not-want-not philosophy has only ever failed me this one time; not only was I partaking in something that I knew was potentially harmful to me, but I was doing it in a dark room (inhabited only by myself) at 10pm on Saturday. I felt like crap constantly, drinking out of an obligation to get rid of it and feeding a potentially dormant addiction. A normal action to take would be to pour it down a drain, but no, I felt it was necessary to try to ruin my liver over the course of however long it took to drink it all. Eventually, the drinks would disappear, and the corner of my room would be freed up, but then came the craving for more and my worst fears became realised: I was getting addicted. I think the only reason I staved off the desire for more was because I’m a fussy bitch who won’t drink beer, couldn’t afford anything that actually has a flavour to it, and maybe because I "caught it early”, if I’m referring to dependency like it’s an illness. Despite my perceived victory, I do somewhat wish I had given in to temptation, as it would mean I could revel in the culture of pubs and clubs. Socialising is difficult for me, and the legends have spoken of so-called liquid confidence being the key to going and speaking to new people. Surely that could only end well for everyone, right? Unfortunately for me, I don’t trust myself to have a healthy relationship with alcohol, and there’s something imposing about being in a building surrounded by people drinking whilst staying dead sober. I have no idea why, but I get an uneasy feeling when in close proximity to people who are even just tipsy. I’m sure they’re fine people, and if I indulged in a bit of drinking in a social space rather than my bedroom, then perhaps I would realise that, but my brain tells me I must stay on high alert until I’ve left such an establishment. Unable to talk to people sober, whilst afraid to get drunk, is such a strange dilemma. I’m sure some people would suggest that I just learn to control my drinking, but that’s equivalent to telling someone with anorexia to just eat more.

Personally, I feel that cutting back on alcohol is the healthiest course of action I could take. If I miss out on nightlife socialising, then so be it. There are other ways for me to meet people without potentially setting myself on a dangerous course, and I’d like to try to keep any damaging and costly habits in check. If you like drinking, then good for you; hopefully, you’ve got control over it, and if not, I wish you the very best in trying to. Just because it’s something that I personally try to avoid doesn’t mean I’m going to demonise everyone who wishes to indulge themselves now and then. It’s good to meet new people, but so is a healthy amount of caution, know your limits and all that jazz. Drink responsibly, don’t drink at all, do whatever you feel is best.