Horoscopes: August 10 – September 7 2026

HOROSCOPE | ISSUE NINE | WHAKAKATA / HUMOUR

Written by László Reynolds (he/him) | @laszloreynolds | Contributing Columnist

Aries

There’s a higher risk of the house catching fire for this period, so it could be a good idea to avoid deep frying things in the kitchen. Accept gifts from your lover or business partner if you have one. I can’t remember if I wrote this last time, but sex drive will be increasing. Don’t be afraid to get verbal (or even better: verbose) in the bedroom. Say it before you can even think about it; it will be funny later (or immediately).

Taurus

The haemorrhaging of your savings account will soon slow down. Bring more incense and scented candles into your bedroom or bathroom (that is, if you can afford it). This will help keep good, creative ideas coming in order to navigate the changes to your work, reputation, or projects. You will learn to discipline and regulate yourself eventually if you learn to stop worrying so much. 

Gemini

Your jokes may naturally lose some of their bite at the opening of this cycle; conversely, you may find you will stop being the punchline of others' jokes. Don’t be patient and don’t worry about others’ opinions of the potentially shocking developments that are happening around you. Some discernment should be taken around purchasing things that end up breaking almost immediately.

Cancer

For the love of God, don’t clown around with any fireworks, firearms, or bonfires; don’t use overly blunt knives; don’t aggravate large dogs. Definitely don’t go to war (or worse: start one of your own). Be determined to contain your rage if someone tries to crack a joke about your family or day ones. Let your urge to speak all the time naturally cool down.

Leo

August is bringing a hard, abrupt factory reset to your entire being: body, spirit, mind, speech. The breath of life is included, so it could manifest as a health scare forcing you to quit smoking. If you’ve recently been having a grand old time brightening up the place (which I know you have), you will be forced to power off near the solar eclipse on August 12. This is a chance for you to start acting as if you’re invisible and have no reputation to uphold. Come on, come on, no one can see you try.

Virgo

Bizarre revelations could be turning over by the very end of August, particularly to do with your partner, or the topic of relationships in a general sense. After that, a lot of the tension and fire may actually leave for good. Keep in mind this could be for a very, very long time. If you hear people laughing hysterically behind your back, don’t fear the worst. Instead, move in closer.

Libra

During this entire period you should allow yourself, everything surrounding you, and everything you’re doing to increase exponentially in cuntmatic beauty, symmetry, grace, and elegance. It’s like the dust is effortlessly blowing off to reveal the latent charm. By September some of the sheen may have faded considerably, but before that you must let this otherworldliness inspire you. 

Scorpio

A secret new love for the world is quietly growing inside of you, well outside of your current field of view. You mustn’t expend any effort to try to speed up the process; that’s not at all the point. Instead, once again you can lose yourself in your work and take advantage of the good fortune available here. You may be thrust into the spotlight and forced to do a routine. Don’t fret, it will go well.

Sagittarius

Heightened possibility of getting into disagreements around other people’s money. There may arise a certain strong desire to sleep with one of your friends or collaborators. You certainly can, but don’t expect it to keep being a good idea into next month. Right now you should be laughing at the topics of divination, spirituality, university, rituals, the search for truth, kings, father figures, and festivals.  

Capricorn

If you’ve got work you’re getting ready to show right now, there’s a good chance everyone will love it. It doesn’t matter that your room, studio, or workspace is crammed and overflowing with rubbish and blocked energy; the part that everyone actually sees is going to shine. You can leverage this charm to tell people how you really feel and play it off like it’s just a joke.

Aquarius

Potential problems with your daily commute facing obstructions or delays; you could try switching it up to make it more active. When you’re interacting with a person one-on-one, you should let the conversation roll on forever. Never cut it short if you don’t have to; you could strike gold at any moment. Don’t force your laughter because you won’t have to.

Pisces

Shocking revelations, major endings/beginnings, or sudden rises/falls are coming for you around the partial lunar eclipse on August 28. After this, you can stop trying so hard to repent, fix your entire life, and uplift the human condition. Now you can focus on cleaning the mess at home (so you can make another fresh one) and letting animals run up to you (or away from you).