Spill the Tea with Tashi #5

SPILL THE TEA WITH TASHI | COLUMN | PUORO O AOTEAROA / LOCAL MUSIC

Written by Tashi Donnelly (she/her) | @tashi_rd | Feature Editor

Q: Anonymous, 22, She/Her

So I’ve been seeing a guy on and off who is in a band that plays pretty regularly. I was never that into live music until this year, but he sort of introduced me to the scene. Maybe part of the appeal was how good he looked on stage… anyway, I’m starting to realise I’m much more into the live music scene than I am into him. I’ve been going to shows he’s been playing at and meeting really cool people, and finding new music. The annoying thing is, he’s getting weirdly territorial. He’s acting like I only “belong” there if I’m with him. He gets upset when he sees me dancing with other guys, even when I tell him I don’t know the person and wasn’t really dancing with them on purpose. He even made a joke one night after a gig that I was just a “groupie”. Do you think it’s bad to stick around the music scene when your ex is a huge part of it? I don’t make music myself. I seriously do not want drama, but I don’t want to give up going to certain events just because he’ll be there. 

A: I want to get the obvious out of the way: THIS MAN DOES NOT OWN GIGS. You should feel excited about discovering live music and finding a new community, and I’ll be damned if it’s ruined for you by one guy who thinks he’s trademarked having a good time in public. 

I don’t want to play into stereotypes too much, but they exist for a reason. Band-bros getting petty about a girl is a tale as old as time. It’s practically a genre at this point. Let’s be honest, outgrowing an on-and-off-again relationship is a healthy way of removing yourself from this plotline. Sometimes you meet a guy, and his sole purpose in your life is to show you something about yourself. In this case, a new scene to dive into, a new community, a new love for music and live performance. What you’ve done within this relationship is grow, and what he’s done is stick to the shallows of his ego. Try to hold onto the good experiences he gave you, and chuck the rest out, I say.

That said, it sounds like he’s still trying to gatekeep this scene from you while belittling you in the process. I’m not sure if he’s already an ex or if you’re still working your way up to dumping him, but I strongly suggest you leave him ASAP. Gigs are supposed to be community events. He’s not a bouncer, he’s a guy who plays an instrument. Next time you’re off to a gig, take some friends with you. I promise that you and the evening will survive his moody side-eyes. 

Furthermore, I want to address the “groupie” comment. From your description, this guy is a walking red flag. Although I’m sure he’d rather see it as a red stage curtain, and you’ve been cast in the drama. Calling you a groupie is dismissive, unfounded, and frankly misogynistic. By calling you this, he reduces your presence and autonomy to being centred around him. He’s not getting jealous of you dancing with others or going out without him because he cares about you. These territorial behaviours are signs of abusive control that will likely escalate with time. And let me reiterate, you’re not a groupie! You’re part of the age-old tradition of a musician’s ego not fitting on stage.

You might need to establish some boundaries with your ex. Limit your emotional engagement with him when you’re out and about at gigs. Take friends with you for support. If he’s having dramatic reactions to your presence, try to detach yourself from feeling responsible. Then, have a big laugh about it with your mates later. There is nothing more fun than a gossip session after seeing an ex in public. If he’s getting too annoying, I’d suggest you find gigs and events where he’s less present. Not because you owe him distance, but because it’ll give you some breathing room to enjoy yourself more. And hopefully, give him some time to get that thorn out of his side. 

Remember, people grow into music scenes with time - eventually your presence will be as expected as his. You have every right to be part of community spaces that you enjoy. Bands need fans and supporters, you don't have to make music to be a part of the scene. Take me for instance; I grew up in the music scene because my dad is a musician. My partner and most of my close friends are musicians. Half of my co-workers are musicians! I’ve dated people in bands before, broken up, and felt unable to re-enter those spaces. But it doesn’t last forever. Personal relationships shouldn’t dictate who gets access to shared spaces. 

Your love of music, community, and experiences is admirable and should be cherished. Frankly, he should have cherished it more if he wanted to stay with you. Don’t give up on going to events. Don’t let some guy ruin live music for you. And if he can’t handle seeing you dancing in the crowd, maybe he shouldn’t be on stage.

Q: anonymous, 23, she/they

I found out recently that a close friend of mine has started dating someone I used to hook up with. Neither of them told me either, I found out through someone else entirely. I don’t know if I’m more upset by the secrecy or the fact that they’re dating. Part of me wants to warn my friend, because although me and this guy ended our situationship on good-ish terms, I still think he’s got some issues my friend is going to find out about. Should I bring it up to her, or just let it go?

A: A good mate getting together with one of your old flings understandably provokes some uncomfortable feelings. I’m not surprised you feel hurt or even a bit betrayed by this news, especially since it didn’t come from the horse's mouth. But are your hurt feelings entirely about this friend and this guy, or is this situation tapping into some deeper fears you may have around abandonment, competition, or feeling overlooked? Could it be that you feel replaced and excluded, both as a friend and as a lover? These kinds of triangular situations are likely a combination of many things, but figuring out where the feeling of unease is coming from will be useful if you want to move on. No one likes to feel they’ve been lied to, but there could be an honest and nuanced answer for why you weren’t told. 

You mention this guy has “issues”, but it’s difficult for me to gauge how serious those issues are. I assume that if you ended on “good-ish” terms, he isn’t a horrible or manipulative person. If the issue is that he doesn’t change his bedsheets often enough or has an annoying laugh, it’s not all that serious. And if you do stick your nose in to tell your friend, it's just going to come across as an attempt to undermine her relationship. Might your urge to warn her actually be an attempt to reassert some control in a situation where you felt excluded and sidelined? Even if you know your friend well enough to know what minor issues may bother her, it won’t reflect well on you if you hand her a list of her new boyfriend's faults, especially since you know about them through the lens of being a past lover. Ask yourself what emotional need is being met by telling your friend. Is it to protect her, is it soothing your ego, or are you trying to punish the guy? You’re not the relationship police, and even if you were, this sounds more like a noise complaint than a crime scene.

If, however, the issues you mention are serious, then that’s another story entirely. Unfortunately, when someone is in the throes of a new relationship, the rose-tinted glasses make red flags just look like flags. Even if your concern is genuine and well-founded, bringing it up might have the opposite effect to what you intended; pushing your friend closer to him out of defensiveness. So, unless he is an actual evil monster, I don’t think you should attempt to play with that flame. It’s infinitely better if she learns about him through the natural progression of their relationship. You said yourself your friend is going to find out about these issues eventually, so why be the catalyst for that?

From your letter, it doesn't seem like you’re so uncomfortable with this relationship that you couldn’t bear to be around it. But could this budding romance feel like a repetition of your past relationship? Are you unconsciously trying to rewrite the ending? To be clear, an unconscious feeling like this is normal and doesn’t make you petty. But it’s important you recognise that the uneasy feeling might be coming from inside the house. Maybe it’s time for a bit of emotional spring cleaning.

I bring these things up because if you act with unprocessed emotions, it will likely lead to the opposite outcome that you desire. Unless you desire to escalate rivalry where there needn't be any, I don’t think you should insert yourself at all.

It’s clear from your message that you crave some kind of dialogue with your friend about this. I’d suggest talking about it with other friends first. Just complaining about this situation to a neutral party might relieve some of your stress. Instead of trying to control the external dynamic of your friend’s new relationship, turn that focus inwards, ask yourself, "What do I need in order to feel secure and respected, regardless of who dates whom?". It might be that you need your friend to keep you in the loop more. Maybe you don’t want to stay close to someone who withholds information that affects you directly. It could be recognising that you do have emotional residue from this past relationship, and you need a bit of distance to process that properly. 

Identifying your boundaries will help you step out of the triangle. You don’t need to rescue, warn or compete in this situation. Just ask yourself, “Under what conditions can I continue to be friends with either of these people without compromising my emotional integrity?”. If they do break up in the future because of the “issues” you mentioned, you can both laugh about it together. And if they stay together, you can be happy knowing that those issues didn’t bother her as much as they bothered you. Whether he’s learnt how to change his sheets regularly or not, it’s no longer your mess to clean up. Focus on your own emotional linen cupboard.