Spill the Tea with Tashi #11

SPILL THE TEA WITH TASHI | COLUMN | RONGOĀ / DRUGS

Written & illustrated by Tashi Donnelly (she/her) | @tashi_rd | Editor-in-Chief

Q: Ryan, 18yo , he/him

My girlfriend goes to UOA, I go to AUT, she wants to take the bus into the city with me the days we both go in, but I have a good system going where my dad drives me most of the way and I bus from there, it works and I'm getting accustomed to it, but I also wanna spend time with my girlfriend, should I stick with my current system, or go on in with my Girlfriend, I wanna spend as much time with both of them as I can, Help.

A: Dear Ryan,

Now that you’re an adult (congratulations!), the logistics of everyday life tend to become a third wheel to your relationships. A routine is important while you’re studying. With one, you’ll be less stressed out, and your ritualistic daily tasks serve as the blocks from which you build your independent life. Having a system that works is valuable; it’s okay if you feel protective of it.

Commuting with someone can be meaningful bonding time. When I think about the many hours of my life spent in transit, it warms my heart to know that much of it has been spent in the company of someone I dearly love. The liminal nature of time spent waiting feels like an empty container, waiting to be filled with trappings of your life: a book, a knitting project, your favourite podcast, or a conversation.

I sense you feel as though choosing one option means choosing one person over another. We humans are very sensitive to feelings of neglect and rejection. That’s a good thing; our power lies in community organisation, after all. I understand it’s not an easy emotional mess to untangle, especially if you have reason to believe that either your dad or girlfriend might be upset if they didn’t get to spend that time with you. But healthy relationships allow for flexible solutions.

I have thought of three possible solutions to your problem:

1. Alternate days. You could bus with your girlfriend on some days, and keep the dad rides on others. This way, you can split your time between them and live a guilt-free existence.

2. Meet halfway. Keep the ride with dad, but meet your girlfriend at the transfer point. This way, you get a bit of dad-time and a bit of girlfriend-time all in one day!

3. Protect your routine while creating intentional time. Commute to uni separately, but schedule breakfast or coffee together before class. UoA and AUT students tend to cross-pollinate and travel between campuses for food, people, and spaces. Between classes, it's very chill and easy to meet at either campus to study, eat, or just enjoy each other's company!

And remember, love involves care, honesty, and consideration. Not just constant proximity. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do isn’t squeezing every minute in together - it’s figuring out a rhythm that lets both your relationships and your independence grow.