Spill the Tea with Tashi #12

SPILL THE TEA WITH TASHI | COLUMN | ISSUE 7 | MATARIKI

Written & illustrated by Tashi Donnelly (she/her) | @tashi_rd | Editor-in-Chief

Scroll to the bottom of this webpage to submit your own question for Tashi to answer: https://www.debatemag.com/spill-the-tea-submissions

Q: Dear Tashi,

I feel bad writing this, but I have a very irritating classmate. They talk over other people a lot and also talk over the lecturer, interrupting them and disrupting the discussion. I have never had this issue before, and don’t know how to tell this person kindly that they’re being disrespectful and disruptive. 

A: Dear Scaredy-Cat,

First of all, I’d like to point out that it’s the lecturer’s responsibility to manage their students. This should not fall on your shoulders. Alas, irritating classmates are an inevitable part of education, and irritating colleagues are right around the corner. Some people are just loud in a similar way to dogs barking at couriers; technically communicative, but emotionally unhelpful. But you have come to me for guidance, and in doing so, have asked an age-old question: how do I deal with irritating people while maintaining my own sanity? 

It is important to be kind and understanding. In fact, I’d say understanding is kindness. We don’t have to like someone to understand where they’re coming from. But understanding where someone is coming from makes it easier to be kind to them. There could be numerous explanations for your classmate's behaviour, and many of them could stem from things like neurodivergence (struggling with impulse control), mental health issues, poor socialisation, or trauma. None of these reasons should excuse the behaviour, but isn’t it nicer to assume people aren’t being annoying on purpose? 

What you do next depends on how much energy you want to spend on this problem. I’ve outlined three possible options:

1. Outsource it. Talk to your lecturer. This is, unfortunately for them, part of their job description. Somewhere between ‘teach content’ and ‘moderate chaos.’ 

2. Address it like a functional adult. If you have the courage, you could politely call this classmate out when it happens. You could say, in a calm and even tone, ‘It’s great you have a lot to say, but someone else is speaking right now,’ or ‘It’s awesome that you’ve got a lot to add, but let’s let the current speaker finish first.’ This tactic avoids shaming them and encourages them to continue to contribute to the class, but in a more respectful way. The icing on the cake for this method is becoming everyone’s favourite classmate for having the gumption to say something at all. 

3. Abandon all social grace and embrace chaos. Sometimes people are annoying on purpose. Sometimes it feels like your sanity is teetering on the edge, and it would be really nice to just simply say, ‘Shut the fuck up. I’m talking.’ *

In the end, dealing with annoying people is less about them and more about what version of yourself you want to become in response to them. Choose your level of intervention wisely. And remember: silence can be golden, speaking up can be powerful, and occasionally, ‘please stop talking’ delivered with the energy of a thunderclap can be cathartic, if nothing else.

*T&C: By proceeding with option three, you agree to temporarily suspend standard classroom etiquette, polite conversational norms, and any prior commitment to being ‘a reasonable and well-adjusted member of group discussion.’

Outcomes are unpredictable and may include, but are not limited to: stunned silence, sudden respect, immediate regret, or the lecturer stepping in and asking everyone to ‘take five.’

Side effects may also include social clarity, emotional catharsis, and/or being quietly remembered as ‘that person’ for the remainder of the semester.

This option is not recommended for first-time offenders, mild irritations, or anyone who still wishes to be invited to things. Proceed at your own risk.